The perfect crime

We’ve been making like David Bellamy these last few days, on safari in a game park called Hluhluwe. It’s best pronounced if you puff your cheeks out as if you were doing Donald Duck. On our first morning we woke up to find monkeys on the balcony, and we watched delightedly as they ate lots of bananas and jumped around on our chairs outside. I thought to myself, ‘This was so worth the money. Loads more fun than buying a few more panes of double glazing.’ My sentiments changed 10 minutes later when the boys discovered it was OUR FOOD they were eating!! They’d been in to the kitchen somehow and made a right old mess, nibbling bits of apples and ripping in to the bread, leaving remnants of food all over the work top and floor. We have no idea how they did it, because all the doors and windows were shut, and despite the efforts of all the kids’ investigations, including photographing the evidence, we have had to conclude that the monkeys are special agents with secret powers. “The perfect crime”, Colin said. We were robbed by sweet little monkeys. And we didn’t even see it coming.

We actually had a stressful start to the whole safari thing the night before as we arrived in the dark, quarter of an hour before the gates close (whether you’re booked in or not!) after travelling since 7.30 that morning. Then we had to drive through the park, which is about the size of an English county, whilst Col explained to kids that it wasn’t like a zoo and we probably wouldn’t see things very close up – then Eeeeek! He shrieked like a girl as we nearly knocked in to 2 enormous rhino chomping away next to the road. Shortly afterwards we did the same with a couple of elephants. This time we wound the windows down and watched in silence. Everything was going well until child C slipped inside the car, clattered loudly and frightened them. Col then laughed in the elephants’ faces (nervous laughter) as the biggest elephant snorted and started towards us. I think he felt Col was mocking him. At this point Col (Terry Nutkins) slammed his foot down and did a slight wheel spin – helpful – as we made off in the dark, wheels squealing. Maybe we are more suited to Butlins than this kind of holiday. Anyway, we settled in the next day and saw loads of amazing animals with the help of a trained man in a jeep – it was awesome.

We are nearer Durban now, gradually getting nearer to the airport, staying by the beach in a place called Ballito. It is a bit more sub-tropical here so it’s full of all my favourite plants. Banana trees, palms, hibiscus – I love all that.

I’ve been thinking whilst I’ve been so far from the internet – blogging is a bit weird as you only write about all the cool stuff. It’s a bit like our memories of things I suppose, when we filter out all the tat. And the reality of travelling is that there’s loads of annoying bits. Here is a taste of them, so I can’t be accused of being unreal.

Boredom; Losing car keys in middle of nowhere and having to turn out all luggage twice; Driving for hours and hours on end; Arriving at Bollito flat in the dark and not being able to get in, no staff, and yet not being able to get out because of electric gates. (Laptop out of battery. Phone not accepting incoming calls); Singing ‘Is this the way to Amarillo’ one time too many in the car; Waiting for things in the heat; Listening to bickering in the back of the car. Eg. Every time 3 treats are given out they have the same argument:

“First is the worst, second’s the best, third’s the one with hairy chest”

“I don’t WANNA HAIRY CHEST!!!!”

“OK, OK, I’ll have a hairy chest, you be first”

“I wanna be second” etc etc;

Living with ants in the kitchen; Late nights, early mornings, disrupted sleep in between; Driving for hours looking for lions and not finding any lions; Shops being shut when the staff promised they’d be open; Sunburn; Not finding recognisable food in a supermarket (I bought the kids a chicken’s foot each – heh heh!); Bites; Moths, insects; Child-free couples not appreciating the joys of other peoples’ children enhancing their safari trip of a lifetime!!

It goes without saying that all the great stuff is way better and much more plentiful than any of this. But there, I’ve let you in on the truth.